This Is Not A Life At All Really

Today I feel utterly defeated. I’m sure it will pass, but right now it feels like I have no hope whatsoever.

None.

I don’t even have a glimmer of hope on the horizon. My world has become very bleak and hopeless lately.

I am in mast cell hell.

Less than two hours ago I went from feeling pretty good, considering it’s that time of the month again, to being in so much pain that I just wanted to die. I passed out twice and puked my guts out while writing on the bathroom floor, completely out of the blue. It came on so hard and so fast and  lasted for 15 to 20 minutes and then, for no apparent reason, went away almost as quickly as it came on.

It was like flipping a switch. A switch I have zero control over.

I’ve been struggling a lot with the seasonal changes (pollen, extended sunlight, etc.) and my medications are barely keeping things contained these days but without them I would be far, far worse. Trigger avoidance is not an option right now, it’s mandatory.

I rarely leave the house any more. I’m too afraid of fainting in public or having a mucus (or pain or panic or..) attack that I can’t control. Plus, it’s hard to find “safe” places out there. So many things trigger me now. Even my own yard triggers me after a few minutes so I mostly have to sit inside and watch the flowers grow and bloom from a safe distance, feeling sorry for my self because I feel like as they are blossoming I am slowly fading.

I try to stay positive but It’s hard to look forward to a life of more pain and more degranulation and more debilitation. I don’t want to become a burden to my family, or more of a burden, I should say. Yet I have to want to live. For my family and especially for my son who also suffers with MCAS daily.

He needs me.

We need each other.

But still… this is no life at all, really, for either of us.

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